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“10 minutes…, I’ll wait 10 more minutes and if nobody comes I’ll leave”, I thought to myself sitting in my evening class for adults who’d rarely showed up. Yes. I had to sit there as I got paid for “teaching”. It was my extra work after usual classes and being a very honest employee I would never cheat: “I must”, “I have to”, “There will be some problems”, “I need to be as good as others are”, “One day I’ll be the best teacher”, “One day THEY will be happy with my work and dedication” (“Musturbation!” Dr.Albert Ellis).

No one showed up. And I ran out.

In the other part of the town, there was my son’s “the end of a school year” dance performance and a thank you ceremony for the best learning results. It was a quite hot spring day. I was wearing not appropriate for the season shoes, some black trousers and almost sweating because of the rush not to be late. Barely found the place to park the car. I felt pissed-off. One my part said “You suppose to stay at work. It is JUST an elementary school performance”. I hate being late or in a hurry! But the other voice urged me, “it is YOUR child’s performance”. I ran up the school stairs and saw the son’s class still waiting in the hall for their time to show up. The whole class was in white shirts. Only my boy was wearing the green.

Green! Because the white ones were dirty in the morning. Green! Because his mother said it would be ok. Green! Because I’d never read his teacher’s messages. I had more important things to do…

After noticing my sad child’s eyes, I drove home as fast as I could; hating myself, cursing aloud, found the white shirt, ironed a bit and came back on time to change it.

I don’t remember what was the dance or song about. But I still remember the shame, the self-blame, holding tears in my throat, feeling absolutely worthless to step in front of all school and receive a thank you note “For raising an excellent student”.

It was the moment when I realized that no extra money or “awarded posthumously” could be more important than your children, your family, and their unconditional love. Time, more precious quality time to deserve being called “a fairy”…

I refused the extra work and continued with my regular lessons. But most of the time I still felt exhausted, stressed, nervous and too sensitive to everything that was going on at work. I always felt not perfect for THAT place.

After my birthday in February 2016, I got a diary and I began writing my daily “stay or leave” insights. I needed help. I began drawing, coloring, analyzing, learning, enrolled fractal drawing courses… Finally, I understood one important thing:  “I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MYSELF. I AM ABLE TO MAKE A CHANGE. I AM ABLE TO SHIFT EVERYTHING. “

I couldn’t stop drawing, coloring, dealing with my inner perfectionist.

Why stones you’re asking? Hm… I don’t think there is this particular reason I was a young geologist at school…

A sea stone has become a home for the emotions, feelings, sensitivity, self-acceptance, love… Every tiny detail requires a big focus, inner peace, and calm. Then the flow of positive energy comes in. For some, it is just a stone. For others, it is a warm beautiful piece of nature and art combination which arouses good vibrations and heart-warming feelings.

Close your eyes. Take it into your hand. There…Your beautiful smile! No words needed. The stone gets warm. It feels you as well…

p.s. Speaking of shirts. Two months ago, at the choir concert, everybody wore black and white clothes. My kids wore blue J